It’s one of those nights where I’ve waited too late in the evening to write.
I’m tired and worn out from a rough few days of late nights working, sleep interruptions from random life things such as kids returning home late, loved pets being injured, late night powerpoints, parenting challenges, etc. as well as just general stress that’s leaving me I’m feeling run down.
When I’ve reached this point and trying to work late at night, I believe that my body occasionally rebels against my mental intent to get something done. There is a push-pull battle of wills that occurs between my physical and mental self. This manifests in that it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain my focus. To be clear, I don’t mean my mental focus. That’s still on at its usual speed.
I am specifically describing the physical manifestations of exhaustion winning. The ability of my eyes to focus properly begins to fail me when I push my body too far. I seriously think that I have a built-in defense against driving myself too hard. I am sitting here in front of my screen slowly nodding my head slightly up and down attempting to find the focus angle in my progressive lenses. Everything is blurry. This is my body winning out in the war of wills with my mental clarity.
If I was crafting a presentation for work. I’d take this as my cue to exit stage left. To save the file, close up the laptop, and head to sleep. However, this isn’t work. This is my project. My commitment to myself so here I sit, still typing blurry words.
You ride alongside my life in many forms.
You my companion and my nemesis
You stretch me to new limits
You make me more capable
You also make me useless
I bid you to leave while I sleep
I wish you goodnight, and
I beg you be gone before I wake
335 Days to go